Practicing Self-Compassion Is Hard
Why is it that people are fundamentally better at being compassionate and caring towards others than they are towards themselves?
What is it about self-compassion that makes most of us not very good at practicing it?
In this article we will dive into:
The underlying scripts from society - how we’ve learned to value other people’s opinions and compare ourselves.
There’s a misconception that self-compassion means complacency. We find meaning in progress because we are hard-wired that way
Self-compassion feels soft and vulnerable and most people avoid that.
Self-compassion is an important part of having a growth mindset and learning how to develop into your best self. But most people suck at practicing it. Why is it that we push ourselves relentlessly or tell ourselves that we could have done better with our efforts?
When was the last time that you actually let yourself feel a sense of accomplishment at something you did? And I’m not talking about a 5-second pause before starting up the next project on your list.
The skill of self-compassion is made up of three elements:
Self-kindness
Common humanity
Mindfulness
Self-kindness is about being generous and decent to yourself.
Common humanity is recognizing that you are a part of a greater whole of humanity. You’re not isolated in your suffering and problems.
Mindfulness is also a part of self-compassion as you need to work on being non-judgemental and consciously aware of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
This is a hard skill to develop in yourself. There’s a lot going against you that makes practicing self-compassion so hard.
But self-compassion will positively change your life and so you owe it to yourself to put in the effort to rewrite some of these invisible scripts that you tell yourself about self-compassion so that you can go further while also being appreciative of where you are at now.
Underlying scripts from society
How we’ve learned to value other peoples’ opinions and compare ourselves.
Fear of other people’s opinions or FOPO holds us back from being self-compassionate. When you’re hurting and need a day off from the gym, you find yourself watching Navy SEALS on Instagram waking up before the sun to run 100 miles and you think about how if they can do that, you shouldn’t be taking a day off.
Or when your eyes are bugging out of your head from working at a computer all day but you think about that entrepreneur online who appears to be hustling hard 24/7 and so you just keep on working through the exhaustion and digging a deeper hole for yourself.
Comparison, undoubtedly, is the thief of joy.
These underlying scripts tell us that we will be judged and criticized for doing what we feel in our hearts we need at the moment to recharge or just take care of ourselves.
We only get the picture of what people want to share of their life online though and this is why is can be such a harmful image when it seems like all go and taking no days off.
Self-compassion and complacency.
The misconception about self-compassion means complacency.
We find meaning in progress because we are hard-wired that way. Our brains are constantly seeking out the next step on our journey.
Recognizing that we are driven by dopamine is an important part of having more self-compassion. By knowing this, we can identify when we are feeling unease at sitting still or seemingly not making enough progress. And once we can recognize this, we can accept and embrace that progress looks different for everyone and sometimes the best progress comes from taking a break to recover and recharge. Or that it means pivoting to something new when what we’ve been attempting is no longer working for us.
Self-compassion feels soft and vulnerable.
Most people want to avoid vulnerability at all costs. They keep their secrets held close and don’t open up about anything to anyone.
While there are many thought leaders expressing themselves out in the world and sharing the importance of vulnerability, this is still not the default for most of us.
Have you ever been on a car ride with someone where the silence was deafening? You know that something is up with them but they’d rather stare out the window with lips held tight instead of having a conversation. You can sense it because our ability to read a situation goes far beyond just language.
One of the reasons we like to follow people like Brene Brown and Russell Brand and all those influencers online who have expressed a part of their story to the world is that it’s brave and we have a strong desire to feel the same way.
Being self-compassionate does not mean you are soft although it often means opening yourself up, at least to yourself, so that you can correctly understand what and how you are feeling.
Only through practice will you come to understand how to express yourself.
So then, with the three elements that makeup self-compassion, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, think about what you can do to work a little of these into your day.
Love Yourself This Valentine's Day (And How To Practice Better Self-Love)
As the middle of February rolls around, it becomes that Hallmark moment each year where we take a stand and celebrate the love that's in the air. We are either celebrating our self-love or showing our affection to someone else but it turns out that the self-love really needs to be at the centre of it all.
After the year of isolation and, in many cases, loneliness that we've gone through, let's talk about practicing self-love and learning to love yourself like your life depends on it. Because just like the oxygen mask analogy on the airplane, taking the time to show care and consideration for yourself will rise the tide on all of your relationships and the people that you surround yourself with.
What Is Self Love?
While self-love is about care and doing the things that you know support your well-being, it's also just as much about coming to terms with who you are and Braving the Wilderness as Brene Brown refers to it.
When you start to accept all your perfect imperfections, it becomes that much easier to focus on loving and supporting those around you because you recognize your own needs as well.
When we accept instead of dwell on who we are under the surface, we can start to notice more of the beauty in our lives and in our connections with others instead of getting caught up in our mistakes or sense of inadequacies.
Where To Draw Your Focus
We all know that too much focus on our own faults and flaws can spiral out of control and leads nowhere positive, even if it's often easier said than done to avoid. Dwelling on the negativity is not how we break free from that vicious cycle though. Guilt doesn't inspire change. It creates an emotional sinkhole that our mindset fixates on. Furthermore, our brains are drawn towards negative information as it alerts us to perceived threats, and so what we want to do is lean into the positivity whenever possible and with the right strategies.
First, we want to recognize this negativity bias and know that it's a perfectly natural response in all people, although as Jonathan Haidt suggests in the Happiness Hypothesis, some of us have won more of the cortical lottery in being wired for more optimism. We often blame ourselves or get caught up on things that are outside of our control and when we do this, it can be easy to feel like we've failed at something. This fixed mindset thinking though can be course corrected though by using prompts to remind ourselves to think of what's in our control or practicing gratitude to seek out more positivity in our day-to-day lives.
Mindfulness and Self-Love
Taking our focus and self-love a step further, mindfulness is one way in which we can train our brains to counter the ruminating thoughts when done correctly.
Part of the reason that mindfulness originated as a religious practice was as a way to develop the self in a way that could help to have a positive impact on the greater community. We can use Metta or loving-kindness meditation to radiate compassion to those closest to us and the wider community and single-point focus meditation can help you to become more present and train your brain to counteract that fixation on ruminating thoughts.
Connecting Deeply With Your Self
Floating makes for a great self-love date as it is a powerful way to practice mindfulness and being fully embodied in the present moment. With such a reduction in external stimulation because of the unique environment of the float tank, your sense of self dissolves into the water you are floating in and the air around you.
So whether you treat yourself to a float this Valentine's Day or bring along a loved one for the experience as well, know that you are connecting deeply with yourself and doing what's best for you to support the loved ones around you.
Self-Care for the Selfless Supporter: 4 Tips for Preventing Burnout
The overwhelming sense of indulgence in doing things for your own sake may feel like a waste of time but it makes you so much better in the other areas of your life that you owe it to everyone you perform your best for to do it.
We have been witnessing an extreme amount of caring for others and self-less ness over the last half of the year that could warm any heart. It's wonderful to know our loved ones have our back and are doing everything possible to stay positive and support us during the odd and difficult times.
But something that is for certain is that the selfless supporters can't go on indefinitely without checking in to how they are also doing. While some may have a good routine for this, more often than not, it is the most selfless of us that need the practices of self-care the most.
We have been seeing incidences of burn out increase over the last several years and the burden of COVID-19 is only like to exacerbate that problem.
When our bodies are in sympathetic overdrive for too long without giving the proper chances to rest, we start to shut down and crash. This can lead to compromised immune systems and illness or even the need for hospitalization when things get too far out of hand.
So let's talk about some of the ways that you or your selfless loved ones can practice self-care and give some of that love back into the system to keep on going much longer term.
Take Regular Pauses Throughout the Day
Most of us just jump from one task to the next without giving ourselves the chance to pause and re-engage.
There’s a big difference in how you will feel when you allow yourself even a minute or two to close your eyes or even just let your gaze soften between tasks or at the top of every hour.
We get stressed when we keep pushing hard without resetting and often it is eye fatigue from constantly staring at our work that drives this limiting factor in our bodies. Allowing the eyes the chance to rest can dramatically change how you feel throughout the whole day and into the evening as you transition from work to home life.
Fuel Good. Don't Just Feel Good.
We often reach for the most tantalizing of foods when we are feeling stressed or worn out because we get a lovely hit of dopamine in anticipation of and from the act of eating these foods. But think about how you feel after the fact. Probably not very good, and often you feel even worse because these junk foods are not refuelling your body the right way.
It’s undoubtedly a challenge to change our eating habits but knowing that it can make a huge difference for how good we feel and how well we can care for our loved ones when we are caring for ourselves first.
Move Your Body
Our bodies are meant to move. And often a lot more than we allow ourselves to. It’s important when caring for yourself and for others to stay physically active and healthy.
This doesn’t look like hard work, it looks like consistent work. A 30-minute walk each day or two fifteen-minute walks is enough to make a difference.
Give Yourself More Time To Fully Escape
As selfless caregivers, we have others on our minds at all times. It’s what we do but to continue going on in that way long-term requires that we keep our selves in mind as well.
The way that we best take care of ourselves will vary from one person to the next but it’s important that in addition to the micro-breaks that you take throughout the day you give yourself a deeper chance to reset on whatever frequency you feel you need.
For some individuals, this may mean an hour alone twice a week to do something you love like read a book quietly or go for a treatment at the spa.
It doesn’t really matter what activities you take part in as long as it resonates with you like something you get a lot of joy from.
Do what you need to if it requires you to plan in advance because it’s crucial to your long-term well-being and ability to care for others.
Once you start to implement this time into your schedule regularly, it will become a natural part of how you approach things and you will see the dramatic differences in how much more of yourself you have to give to those who need you most.